one year later

reading these old blogs from when everything with my dad first happened are encouraging in a way. They remind me that I have come a long way in my grief and in dealing with the situation. Yes, it is still difficult sometimes. My guess is that it always will be to an extent. The same things that bothered me before still bother me, I feel as though I haven't found many answers. There are a lot of things that I still have not coped with, be it something with my dad, or things that happened around the same time. I ended up losing so much more than a dad this past year. I gained some pretty wonderful things too (she says as Thor curls up in her lap).

Make it stop

So for whatever reason everything just kinda hit me this morning. I didn't want to get out from under my covers. So lets just run through some of the things that are making me feel blah today.

1. I babysat last night, and at one point in the night Lucy asked me what my dad's name was. And I just said "My dads name was Michael". Everyone take note of the huge mistake of me using the word "was" when talking with a three year old. She of course, said "well what is it now?" and so I said "It's still Michael, but he's dead". Later in the night Lucy noticed that I had a booboo and told me that tomorrow I needed to let my mommy and daddy kiss it, which Gus responded to with "Her dad's dead." Children are children, and cannot be expected to know what to say and not to say, and in all honesty he didn't say anything wrong! But it hit me like a ton of bricks. So today will be a bad dad day.

2. The breakup just kinda sunk it. It's super weird. It's just when I see things that only Alan would get that makes me kinda sad. And I still think that this is what's best for me, I really do. But it still makes me really sad, I'm still dealing with all of the same things of a break up. I feel like people forget that.

Anyway, hopefully soon I wont have an emo blog post. Sorry guys!

Reality

A lot of reality hit me today involving a lot of things in my life.

also...why do I suddenly like beer and ranch dressing?

why?

Soooooooooooo
My mom thinks I'm lying about my life.
She thinks I'm way to into drinking, and need to slow down.
And she thinks my friends are a bad influence.

Good thing I have another parent to turn too....oh wait...

Venting needs to happen

Okay, there have been few people in my life lately who really understand what I am going through. They are accepting me for the person I need to be right now. I'm sorry that that person is not what people want, and I'm sorry that I will never again be the person that everyone knew. But I get up every day and fucking deal with it, so why can't you? I know that life isn't easy for anyone, and that every person is going to go through their own hell. I am so aware of living in a personal hell. So I am doing whatever I can to make myself happy. Please just let me be happy. My life is irreversibly fucked up, so just let me have what I need to get by. I want all of this shit to end.

Do you ever wake up and realize that nothing in your life is how you thought it would be? I had one of those days today. I think that my marathon drinking is just finally starting to catch up with me. There's just so many things that I miss today. A lot of things I wish I could change. Of course I dont have the ability to change any of them.

Yesterday was the two month anniversary of my dad's death. That is a sobering thing to try and come to terms with. There are so many things in life that he provided for me that no one else could ever come close to. It never mattered how unhappy my dad was with a choice that I made, he found a way to accept it and be on my side. He found a way to back me up because he was my dad, and that meant something. I hate him for taking that away. Unconditional love is a rare thing in this world, and it's supposed to be built in with family. I'm so mad he took that from me. How could he not realize that he was irreplaceable? He's my dad, I wish that would have been enough for him. I wish that he could have understood that being a father, a son, a brother, and everything else is all anyone ever wanted from him. Every little thing that he brought to the table was special, and completely unique. It's weird living in a world where that's gone. This huge driving force in my life is just gone. I don't know how to come to terms with that. Everything about it is just so much bigger then me. And it doesn't matter how many times I laugh or forget, I'm still incomplete.

Emotional Overload

Being in a state of grief causes you to overreact to things that you would normally just accept as a way of life. To name a few...
1. Missing events with friends
2. A slight change in plans that you only had planned in your head
3. Your friends from High School having new friends

I'm having the most trouble with 3 right now. My best friend from High School has replaced me. This sort of thing should be expected, but it's heartbreaking seeing things we did done with someone else. I just always thought we'd be around...but we're not. They haven't been there for me, and I haven't been there for them. It's slowly eating away at me.