one year later

reading these old blogs from when everything with my dad first happened are encouraging in a way. They remind me that I have come a long way in my grief and in dealing with the situation. Yes, it is still difficult sometimes. My guess is that it always will be to an extent. The same things that bothered me before still bother me, I feel as though I haven't found many answers. There are a lot of things that I still have not coped with, be it something with my dad, or things that happened around the same time. I ended up losing so much more than a dad this past year. I gained some pretty wonderful things too (she says as Thor curls up in her lap).

Make it stop

So for whatever reason everything just kinda hit me this morning. I didn't want to get out from under my covers. So lets just run through some of the things that are making me feel blah today.

1. I babysat last night, and at one point in the night Lucy asked me what my dad's name was. And I just said "My dads name was Michael". Everyone take note of the huge mistake of me using the word "was" when talking with a three year old. She of course, said "well what is it now?" and so I said "It's still Michael, but he's dead". Later in the night Lucy noticed that I had a booboo and told me that tomorrow I needed to let my mommy and daddy kiss it, which Gus responded to with "Her dad's dead." Children are children, and cannot be expected to know what to say and not to say, and in all honesty he didn't say anything wrong! But it hit me like a ton of bricks. So today will be a bad dad day.

2. The breakup just kinda sunk it. It's super weird. It's just when I see things that only Alan would get that makes me kinda sad. And I still think that this is what's best for me, I really do. But it still makes me really sad, I'm still dealing with all of the same things of a break up. I feel like people forget that.

Anyway, hopefully soon I wont have an emo blog post. Sorry guys!

Reality

A lot of reality hit me today involving a lot of things in my life.

also...why do I suddenly like beer and ranch dressing?

why?

Soooooooooooo
My mom thinks I'm lying about my life.
She thinks I'm way to into drinking, and need to slow down.
And she thinks my friends are a bad influence.

Good thing I have another parent to turn too....oh wait...

Venting needs to happen

Okay, there have been few people in my life lately who really understand what I am going through. They are accepting me for the person I need to be right now. I'm sorry that that person is not what people want, and I'm sorry that I will never again be the person that everyone knew. But I get up every day and fucking deal with it, so why can't you? I know that life isn't easy for anyone, and that every person is going to go through their own hell. I am so aware of living in a personal hell. So I am doing whatever I can to make myself happy. Please just let me be happy. My life is irreversibly fucked up, so just let me have what I need to get by. I want all of this shit to end.

Do you ever wake up and realize that nothing in your life is how you thought it would be? I had one of those days today. I think that my marathon drinking is just finally starting to catch up with me. There's just so many things that I miss today. A lot of things I wish I could change. Of course I dont have the ability to change any of them.

Yesterday was the two month anniversary of my dad's death. That is a sobering thing to try and come to terms with. There are so many things in life that he provided for me that no one else could ever come close to. It never mattered how unhappy my dad was with a choice that I made, he found a way to accept it and be on my side. He found a way to back me up because he was my dad, and that meant something. I hate him for taking that away. Unconditional love is a rare thing in this world, and it's supposed to be built in with family. I'm so mad he took that from me. How could he not realize that he was irreplaceable? He's my dad, I wish that would have been enough for him. I wish that he could have understood that being a father, a son, a brother, and everything else is all anyone ever wanted from him. Every little thing that he brought to the table was special, and completely unique. It's weird living in a world where that's gone. This huge driving force in my life is just gone. I don't know how to come to terms with that. Everything about it is just so much bigger then me. And it doesn't matter how many times I laugh or forget, I'm still incomplete.

Emotional Overload

Being in a state of grief causes you to overreact to things that you would normally just accept as a way of life. To name a few...
1. Missing events with friends
2. A slight change in plans that you only had planned in your head
3. Your friends from High School having new friends

I'm having the most trouble with 3 right now. My best friend from High School has replaced me. This sort of thing should be expected, but it's heartbreaking seeing things we did done with someone else. I just always thought we'd be around...but we're not. They haven't been there for me, and I haven't been there for them. It's slowly eating away at me.

Picking up the pieces, and watching them fall

I feel as though my life has become nothing but a reminder to others that things could be worse. Each morning is painful, I force myself out of bed, and waste away my time until some event that can distract me comes along. Nothing ever really distracts me though. I am always thinking about it, always. It's so fucking unfair. Friends having fun just reminds me of how my summer and my life is turning out so differently then i thought. I am resenting people who have had an easy life, and I don't want to be that person. And for the love of God no one tell me it just takes time, or that it will all be okay. I know it will get better with time, but that doesn't help me cope. Things are already screwed up, nothing will fix that!

Resolutions!

These are my somewhat delayed resolutions for this new year (of awkward?):
1. Be optimistic - I'm a huge pessimist and I'm cynical about pretty much everything, so to be less obnoxious and depressing I am going to try and keep a positive outlook on all things. I may need help with this.
2. Less crying - I'm not sure why my immediate reaction to most things is to cry, but that needs to stop. I am going to work on this. If you were around last night, you are aware of what I'm talking about.
3. Balance - my life is way unbalanced, and I need to fix that! I am going to make a serious effort to keep the things that I love in my life balanced.
4. Organization* - If you know me at all this is self explanatory.
*This includes trying to make my bed more often. I'm a total hobo.
5. Cook more - fast food needs to become a four letter word to me. I desperately need to start cooking more healthy meals rather than eat microwavable food, or food that you can buy for less than 4 dollars. That cannot be good for you...

I plan on making a serious attempt on all of these resolutions, they will probably be slow progressions. But I guarantee that I will make an effort on all of them!

Dreams

This is one of my new favorite dreams that I had:

I am driving around with my mom in the car, and we get back to the house. I lay on the couch after eating our lunch. My mom starts talking about a new sandwich she has heard about. Which apparently has happened too many times, and I snap, spurting out this monologue: "No! I've had it, we just had a sandwich. You always have some new sandwich we have to try. I mean, we just got back from trying some new sandwich, and somehow you've already heard about another new sandwich in the five minutes it took us to get home?! I've had it! I'm not eating anymore sandwiches!" Which is quickly followed by my mom saying, "Just let me tell you about it, it has..."

Then I woke up.

I thought those of you who read my blog and know me would get a giggle from this. Soooo Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! I hope this made you smile!

Downer

I'm starting to get homesick, and it is worse that Jo, Steve, Garry, and Maggie are going home tonight. There wouldn't be room in the car for me and I can't miss classes, but I'm jealous. If I didn't have to get up at 8am, I would have a glass of wine at least to make me feel a little better. Yeah yeah, that would be drinking to solve a problem. But it would also be delicious.

Anyway, I'm ready to go home and be with my family. I want my kitty curled up on my lap with a warm blanket, and a cup of cocoa.

I will hold it together until Wednesday morning though.


Enjoy your break all of my darling friends!

Cleaning is making my life better

Things I have been lately:
-A bad roommate
-A bad friend
-busy
-whiny
-insignificant feeling
-overwhelmed
-tired
-mildly ill feeling
-harassed by my mom
-stressed
-emotional

I plan on working on these things. I'm sorry if they have affected you in anyway, and I hope that I can make it up to you.

Why is life so fabulous?!

I have realized today that although things aren't always fair, and although I may get irritated at times, I am living a rather fabulous life right now. I am getting the chance to stage manage for Rachel who I've always wanted to know better. And I'm finally feeling like with this I'm carving out my own niche in the theater department. I'm excited about this, because that means my minor is not a total waste lol. Also, I have someone in my life who makes me feel like I'm amazing just because I'm me. I don't know entirely what I've done in my life to be here, but it is a good feeling. A great contrast from last year. And even though I am swamped and have a ton of things to get accomplished for this week, I am smiling.

Also: instant esteem boost, dress really cute and fucking own it. (Even if the outfit makes you look like you could be the president of the Philippines)

I hope you all are having a wonderful day! =)

Clarification on why yesterday was the single greatest day in the history of days. Although it won't sound like it's the best day, even though it totally was!

Facts of the best day:
- I wore a Burger King crown
- The floor was lava/quick sand
- Sonic
- Jinx
- Dollar Tree: fabulous fabulous gifts and grab bags
- Catch

Wow, in a list it sounds absolutely absurd, but you have to understand that it was the most amazing day I've ever had in my 20 years of living.

Epic Weekend

This has been the most amazing weekend...

And this day has been the best day of my life.

Frustration!!!

HATE:
- Agricultural science classes
- Bugs
- Lack of alone time
- tea in replacement of soda
- ANTS
- miss understandings


The End.

No Title

"I don't know at all what to think of the world. Maybe that's the point. You live in it because you don't understand it, and the whole time you're just trying to figure it out. At least figure something out, anything out actually. Do you think that's what love really is? Two people mutually deciding that they are tired of trying to figure it all out on their own. But there's more to it, there's feelings and moments that change you, as though you've never been awake before. Would you doubt what was between you when one of you were gone? Would you have said what you wanted to say? Would you have done everything you wanted to do? Or would you have hold back, waiting for a better moment, or that there will always be more moments. There is a series of continual moments that I've let pass by. What if there's never another moment? Then what?"

Monday ruins my week

Waking up to a really gray day with pouring rain, and knowing I have to walk to campus and back puts me in an automatic bad mood. It's cold. It's wet. It's miserable. It makes me hate that it is gross out today but will be sunny tomorrow in time for Ag. Sci. lab.

I'm starting to get anti-social and stressed already...and my awful Ag. Sci. / African American Lit. classes are the problem. I do not want to try and decipher a massive science article and summarize it in two pages. I do not want to finish the book "Roots". I would really like to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and take a nap. Sadly, this is not an option.

I'm excited about the Midsummer call backs though, that's pretty sweet! Other than that, I could use a little sunshine in my life right now.

This update to appease Jason Qualls whom I adore

So needless to say, I am loving being back in Kirksville and my freaking adorable apartment that I get to live in. I'm also a big fan of my roommate and neighbors. And clearly I am a big fan of all of my friends because last night was sooooo much fun. Decision: I need to play pogs with Bregs and spend every night with drunk Kelly! I'm not entirely sure how one evening could go from tense to epic, but what an accomplishment.

I'm so glad it's only Wednesday so that more events such as this can occur! Although perhaps not in our apartment when Steve is trying to sleep cause that had to suck for him. Another ideal change would be the boxes not being spread all over my floor...cause those things are easy to trip on late at night in the dark when you are lacking certain amounts of sobriety.

Looking forward to choices, since I get to see slut Joanna...again. I sincerely hope she is not permanently type-cast as a whore, shes too darn cute for that.

Well it is too early to continue posting, so enjoy this update blog stalkers and know that I love you.

Captain's Blog: 7/23

I am on empty. My battery is a little on the low side, and although I'm pretty sure that they are trying to make me feel a little guilty about not going to bear lake, I'm happy to be sitting and doing nothing. I have hit a wall, and hopefully will be rejuvenated in time to go back downtown this afternoon.

I also needed a break from the little girls, because hearing "Hey Molly, Hey Molly, Hey Molly" all the time is getting a little tiring.

The captain is frazzled, and on the look out for bears. =(