Make it stop

So for whatever reason everything just kinda hit me this morning. I didn't want to get out from under my covers. So lets just run through some of the things that are making me feel blah today.

1. I babysat last night, and at one point in the night Lucy asked me what my dad's name was. And I just said "My dads name was Michael". Everyone take note of the huge mistake of me using the word "was" when talking with a three year old. She of course, said "well what is it now?" and so I said "It's still Michael, but he's dead". Later in the night Lucy noticed that I had a booboo and told me that tomorrow I needed to let my mommy and daddy kiss it, which Gus responded to with "Her dad's dead." Children are children, and cannot be expected to know what to say and not to say, and in all honesty he didn't say anything wrong! But it hit me like a ton of bricks. So today will be a bad dad day.

2. The breakup just kinda sunk it. It's super weird. It's just when I see things that only Alan would get that makes me kinda sad. And I still think that this is what's best for me, I really do. But it still makes me really sad, I'm still dealing with all of the same things of a break up. I feel like people forget that.

Anyway, hopefully soon I wont have an emo blog post. Sorry guys!

Reality

A lot of reality hit me today involving a lot of things in my life.

also...why do I suddenly like beer and ranch dressing?

why?

Soooooooooooo
My mom thinks I'm lying about my life.
She thinks I'm way to into drinking, and need to slow down.
And she thinks my friends are a bad influence.

Good thing I have another parent to turn too....oh wait...

Venting needs to happen

Okay, there have been few people in my life lately who really understand what I am going through. They are accepting me for the person I need to be right now. I'm sorry that that person is not what people want, and I'm sorry that I will never again be the person that everyone knew. But I get up every day and fucking deal with it, so why can't you? I know that life isn't easy for anyone, and that every person is going to go through their own hell. I am so aware of living in a personal hell. So I am doing whatever I can to make myself happy. Please just let me be happy. My life is irreversibly fucked up, so just let me have what I need to get by. I want all of this shit to end.