Thursday, July 30, 2009

Do you ever wake up and realize that nothing in your life is how you thought it would be? I had one of those days today. I think that my marathon drinking is just finally starting to catch up with me. There's just so many things that I miss today. A lot of things I wish I could change. Of course I dont have the ability to change any of them.

Yesterday was the two month anniversary of my dad's death. That is a sobering thing to try and come to terms with. There are so many things in life that he provided for me that no one else could ever come close to. It never mattered how unhappy my dad was with a choice that I made, he found a way to accept it and be on my side. He found a way to back me up because he was my dad, and that meant something. I hate him for taking that away. Unconditional love is a rare thing in this world, and it's supposed to be built in with family. I'm so mad he took that from me. How could he not realize that he was irreplaceable? He's my dad, I wish that would have been enough for him. I wish that he could have understood that being a father, a son, a brother, and everything else is all anyone ever wanted from him. Every little thing that he brought to the table was special, and completely unique. It's weird living in a world where that's gone. This huge driving force in my life is just gone. I don't know how to come to terms with that. Everything about it is just so much bigger then me. And it doesn't matter how many times I laugh or forget, I'm still incomplete.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Emotional Overload

Being in a state of grief causes you to overreact to things that you would normally just accept as a way of life. To name a few...
1. Missing events with friends
2. A slight change in plans that you only had planned in your head
3. Your friends from High School having new friends

I'm having the most trouble with 3 right now. My best friend from High School has replaced me. This sort of thing should be expected, but it's heartbreaking seeing things we did done with someone else. I just always thought we'd be around...but we're not. They haven't been there for me, and I haven't been there for them. It's slowly eating away at me.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Picking up the pieces, and watching them fall

I feel as though my life has become nothing but a reminder to others that things could be worse. Each morning is painful, I force myself out of bed, and waste away my time until some event that can distract me comes along. Nothing ever really distracts me though. I am always thinking about it, always. It's so fucking unfair. Friends having fun just reminds me of how my summer and my life is turning out so differently then i thought. I am resenting people who have had an easy life, and I don't want to be that person. And for the love of God no one tell me it just takes time, or that it will all be okay. I know it will get better with time, but that doesn't help me cope. Things are already screwed up, nothing will fix that!