Thursday, July 30, 2009

Do you ever wake up and realize that nothing in your life is how you thought it would be? I had one of those days today. I think that my marathon drinking is just finally starting to catch up with me. There's just so many things that I miss today. A lot of things I wish I could change. Of course I dont have the ability to change any of them.

Yesterday was the two month anniversary of my dad's death. That is a sobering thing to try and come to terms with. There are so many things in life that he provided for me that no one else could ever come close to. It never mattered how unhappy my dad was with a choice that I made, he found a way to accept it and be on my side. He found a way to back me up because he was my dad, and that meant something. I hate him for taking that away. Unconditional love is a rare thing in this world, and it's supposed to be built in with family. I'm so mad he took that from me. How could he not realize that he was irreplaceable? He's my dad, I wish that would have been enough for him. I wish that he could have understood that being a father, a son, a brother, and everything else is all anyone ever wanted from him. Every little thing that he brought to the table was special, and completely unique. It's weird living in a world where that's gone. This huge driving force in my life is just gone. I don't know how to come to terms with that. Everything about it is just so much bigger then me. And it doesn't matter how many times I laugh or forget, I'm still incomplete.

1 comment:

Adam said...

At the end of the day, he loved you, and your friends here on earth still do.

I'm so glad you were in Kirksivlle this week. It's been fantastic seeing you.

I'm sorry that your life has always asked you to grow up so quickly, so harshly. It's amazing how beautiful you remain.